- the cryptic lover -

- the big debate-

the topic about blogs came up during lunch break the other day, i was quite suspicious that the ex was still reading mine even though i changed my account password and shifted my blog address. Then came the comment by both khai and sofian dat technoratie and google blog search is realli all it takes to track me down... i was doubtful till i decided to try. Google Blog Search, keyword 'liionel' (dats how i rmbr him spelling his name most of the time)... and... SURPRISE! first hit instantly!

How long will i slide
14 Dec 2006 by liionel so alot has happened over the past few days. common tests, parents raging at me, and the ending of my relationship with sandra. we've taken time off this week. to really think and reflect. can we live without each other? can we go back ...liionel - http://liionel.livejournal.com/

how..........amazing............................

and i managed to find loads of other friend's blogs with just their first name/nickname. the amazing world of technology...there really isn't any secrets left on the world wide web is there? a true blue global village indeed.

its quite funny to think he might have thought it over. think it over my ass. he changed his mind after patching in like what, an hour or less? oh well, its over and memories aren't worth keeping sometimes. HELLO NEW LIFE!!!!

so its the new year! ok its technically the new year already ... but hey, customs... i get free red packets so who cares!

new year = new luck! (dats why i bought red and yellow undies, GOOD LUCK! hurhur)

went to vivo with zhennie today.. and we were on the topic of relationships..... i was thinking, why do some ppl tell me if i can get over someone its not true love? i think its utter RUBBISH. every relationship is different, and the truth is, you can NEVER truly get over someone. i might have only been in 2 serious r/ships in my life (at least i put it at two) but i can safely say that of both none are identical. so i think rubbish abt saying you'll never love again after you get your heart smashed to smithereens is crap.

you can love again, but its just never the same.

at times you'll feel jaded, as to the sweet nothings others may whisper in your ears. the same promises to do whatever it takes to be there for me and the great declaration of love for you and you alone.

yet at times you want nothing but to forget the wrongdoings in the past, forgo the possibilities of another heartbreak and just relish the comfort every human seeks from companionship.

at times you wonder what really is 'love'. Its a great generic term, so very universal and mystifing and truly sometimes, overrated. And all you want is really just to ditch the whole intention of dying for love and the ill-bred romantic in you, and try to build a relationship based on trust instead, and the notion that every human deserves another try.

and that's just me now. i have my doubts and my skeptical moments, many in fact. i've declared my need only for companionship and just leave the relationship as such. but then again, maybe you really do need love to keep it running, only in what sense of the word. in the past, 'love' to me was a wholehearted commitment that only brought about more hurt when I was cheated on. But commitment is still in the cards now, but no longer my downfall. I know how to keep a part of my heart for myself now, not in a selfish sense, but just to practice loving with caution. Don't argue that to not love again is a simpler and safer option because you'll not risk your heart breaking again. If you choose to believe that, then I'm sorry, I guess you'll enjoy being single the rest of your life.

All i can say is, its a choice, and be mature about it. Relationships are not THE essentials in life like oxygen and water, and sometimes they don't have to be taken so seriously. And never, ever judge because everyone's emotional depth is different, every person's notion of love, of right and wrong, entirely different.

To say the truth I really am sort of in a relationship right now(yes,yes so much for resolutions). I know he loves me, but all i can say is, i do love him, but not in a way like i used to love. Its just a sort of admiration for his courage to actively pursue someone like me who's made it clear a hundred and one times that I'll not be as wholeheartedly involved in this relationship because I find it hard to trust a man again. But hey, only time can tell of his trustworthiness, for now just let me learn how to get back on my feet. And trust me, with his help, it makes things a lot easier and sweeter, so don't point your finger and me and yell 'liar'. When I said I was hurt too deep, I meant it, and this is part a healing process with someone by my side.

This is me, don't think of it as ridiculous because you should know me by now. I know the words that will pass through some lips, but hey, I'm insatiable and I have the guts to admit it so suck it up. I am the brazen one, and I relish and bask in this dangerous dating game. I'll carry my heart on my shoulder if you want me to, and yes i may get burnt, but i just love playing with fire. I've already been hurt once, what difference does another make? So you see, take note of my point and just go ahead, have your fun, you're only young once.

pump me with adrenaline
and throw me from the highest depths,
watch me fall to pieces,
then watch the pieces fall back,
form jagged cuts and scars,
and emerge a brand new me.

bring it on baby! <3

//sandra.esperanza.