- the cryptic lover -

- infinity pools-

Have you ever heard of infinity pools?Those that hollywood stars and rich braggards own... a seemingly unending pool that's a trick of perspective because they go over the edge and blend into the horizon.

Well, if i you ask me to describe my life as a landscape, it'll be this. Never ending.... everything I've been in are just endless cycles that stretch so far beyond I am disillusioned and i can never find the end point. And sometimes, its just all in the question of perspectives.

I was on the phone with my spechur friend the other day, talking about my motives in life in general. Its a fairly common topic, especially with the coming Chinese New Year celebrations its easily the most commonly posted question from my relatives.

So what are my goals in life? I could read it out, its all so familiar:

~a career after graduation, possibly a PR manager of an established gallery or museum
~earn at least 2.5k a month and work my way up to 6k or more.
~have ennough to save up for my parents and a future by age 25.
~Marriage by the age of 25 if possible, my first child by the age of 27, a second by 30.
~Retire from the arts scene at 50, become an arts teacher.

There! My ideal life... keyword's ideal, I won't press myself to totally marry any tom, dick or harry by the time I'm 25... if he ain't Mr Right, it ain't gonna work out. Before you chuckle and deem me as gullible or naive, i'm not. I've worked it out financially and its not really very practical to settle down in 6 years time when i'm only going to graduate with my Ba(hons) degree in 2010.. that only gives me 3 years to earn enough to settle down. if i earn 2.5k in the first year, i'll have 30k in a year, minus CPF and whatnots.... yea yea go on, chuckle... it ain't practical... but hey when there's a will, there's a way.

And so back to infinity pools.. the financial situation at home seems like one too. Now pops is saying we're going to sell this house since we've repaid the loan in full, pocket the cash, hopefully we can sell it for 450k, then rent a terrace to live in. Sell the dental lab which is our only source of income, and work from home to earn enough for our monthly expenses. Sounds nice? Think again.
1) Dad's health is failing him, so is his eyesight, how much work can he handle to "earn enough" for our monthly expenses?
2) monthly expenses boil up to at least 20k. Credit card bills, bank loans for both cars, bank loan for the landed property we sold, bills for the house we have in Malacca, school fees, phone bills, electricity bills, worker's salaries, lab rental, maid's salary etc etc (of course if we sell the lab, the lab expenses will be gone)
3) Mom's not working, if it doesn't succeed, we don't have anything else to fall back on
4) I'm schooling how much can i earn a month to help? The most i can do is give myself my own allowance, but then again, compare $200 a month to a whole magnitude of bills and loans to pay a month, $200 is peanuts to be given to me. (This is according to my mother, not me)

We're going around in circles.... what's done can't be undone. I only thank God my dad's discharged and already up and running... although my mother sort of hinted even if anything happened to my dad he's insured a.k.a if he died it ain't no big deal. . . what the fuck? i know.

Oh life... let me just worry about my assignments and leave everything to God. If you see me begging in the streets one day, you'll know why.

//sandra.esperanza.