- the cryptic lover -

- the insanities of my subconcious mind-

I don't if its the immense workload,

or the repeated chanting outside my window from a wake that's taking too long to be over. . .

But I'm beginning to feel like my subconcious mind's taking over the reign for some reason.

Don't worry I'm not turning schizophrenic due to the work stress (which is surprising considering the papers I have to submit in 2 weeks time), its just well, my subconsciousness is becoming quite a demon on in my fitful attempts to sleep.

Of course its easy to doze off now of days, turning in after a tiring day of work, but I've been having weird dreams and somehow, I don't know why, I'll wake up in tears or with a bad foreboding with no recollection of what I've been dreaming the night before.

The horror! Perhaps I've been sleepwalking? Oh dear.... and another thing. Why do I still dream of him? Its really quite horrid. I'll dream of killing him, or him trying to spoil my current relationship, or an evil manifestation without a face but I'll have a sense that its him.

You know what? I'll just boil it down to stress. I have my share of sweet dreams too at least. Its a secret =)

Well and apart from nothing but work, there's really nothing much in my life right now. The new relationship's working quite alright, but there's a little less dependancy and alot more maturity. I guess I've grown a little, and it helps that the partner is now older than me and more tolerant of my moodswings and bad temperment. Perhaps the fact that he's not always available physically and me vice versa aids a little, the previous one's downfall was our excessive physical intimacy and dependency, so much so that I grew possesive and paranoid.

Now I know how to take things slow and savour every moment, and now I value verbal communication to physicality. And yes, allow myself to be lavishly lathered in affection without stressing on reprocrating. As he wisely put it, "It doesn't mean that whatever I do for you, you have to do something in return. As long as I love you, and you appreciate it, its all that matters."

Friendships wise, I can't help but feel out of place at times. I don't know if I have best friends, sometimes even those I can fall back on, I feel uneasy with. I guess I'd rather acquaintances to soul confidantes, at least that'll spear the pour-my-heart out moments. I feel awkard around old friends now because we've come too long a journey and I've been out of the journey for too long.

I don't get what they're saying because I'm no longer part of that world, and I find people I can relate to in other social contexts that are too different from theirs. I guess just not one that'll stick around for long, if i ever do commit to friendships, the best friend I can find is my soul mate, and not the flutterby friends that come and go because I don't treasure them. And it doesn't help to realise as you get out there into society, all those chi-chi snobs that wink at you can turn around and stab you. Its a dog-eat-dog world afterall.

The family's still the same old. Avoiding disputes by going our seperate ways, making sure our schedules don't clash, the occasional dinner with mum & bro, the occasional morning coffee with dad. Been thinking of moving out alot, but I reckon I'm still not financially stable and my bro, although he keeps to himself alot, needs a knitted family still, no matter how broken we are inside.

Well, that's all for the ramblings I have today, time to get back to work!

//sandra.esperanza.