- a sinner's path -

drained

2007-10-10T19:30:00.000-07:00

ART SINGAPORE SUCKS!

-end of comment-

that's for the previous job attachment. its over, done, forgotten, poof, dun wanna tok abt it.

today parveen from IMG contacted Karen, some PR post for the next job attachment @ Singapore Sun Festival.... and it starts like TODAY?! gimme a break...

but its ok, i'm super interested in working for IMG... *prays I can get permanent employment there*

yes its the work+assignments months ahead before the next big break, buck up everyone!

condolences

2007-09-25T05:15:00.000-07:00

earlier this year, a relative of mine in Malaysia, my father's cousin, committed suicide. He left behind his wife and 2 young children, aged 4 and 6.

earlier today, 2 bodies were found in a Kuala Lumpur shophouse. The deceased, brutally raped and murdered, is the wife of this late relative.(news coverage is available in the chinese papers and The Sun Online Journal) The 2 children witnessed the murder and are now orphans.

although i have no strong recollection of how these 2 relatives look like, its extremely disturbing to receive such news, it was already shockin enough 3 months back, now its appalling that my relative's children have to go through another trauma.

i'm hereby asking for the prayers of all who've passed and read my blog, and to remind us all of how lucky each and everyone of us are, regardless of the troubles we may be burdened with.

may they rest in peace.

my lil'holiday

2007-09-24T01:23:00.000-07:00

Just came back from a short trip to bangkok. Nothing much really, just a little breather away from home and indulge myself in SHOPPING! haha... like THIS for example:

but that's just part of my giant heap of stuff. many thanks to mummy dearest for sponsoring the trip! xD

Other interesting pics I took included my trip to Dreamworld:

and the awfully trilling Hurricane Ride I took with a couple of my mum's friends:

and also photography projects on the street life of bangkok, eg:

For more photos visit either my [photoalbum] or [deviantart account]!

for now its back to doing my homework! *bangs wall*

Incomprehensible

2007-09-12T23:35:00.000-07:00

so...I was told to update the blog.

Where's there to say really, apart from school and more school and meeting my boy whatever little chance I get...I hardly have a social life...nonewhatsoever.

i've been thinking though... maybe coz of this book titled 'ninteen minutes' by jodi picoult... or maybe coz i just need to tink of smth else other than work.

i've been thinking...

there's this whole incomprehensible aspect of an identity.

many equate the identity crisis to unstable hormonal levels in pubescent teens, we all know deep down there's no dictionary definition or criteria to the notion that you belong' somewhere. the cliques in class expand into the cliques at work, the social circle outside of it, within your family, amongst your supposed friends and acquaintances, the reflection in your mirror...

we've got to be kidding if we say we understand who we are and who we love. In a way, but not entirely, never entirely, that's the reason why religion becomes so essential in so many people's lives, we need to believe that there is a greater being that can fathom what we find so hard to comprehend. that God knows who we really are, and that's why he's the Creator...

The reason why I'm voicing these opinions, is that somehow I came to realize at some point in time, that there isn't a necessity to belong. And that till today, not only myself but many I know, have never found out who they really are. All that bitching about people being two-faced, it makes me think "who isn't?". The mask you pull on when you meet a potential employer, the smile you plaster when you meet a neighbor but back home either you enjoy the comfort of a silent abode or you convince yourself that home is where the heart is and you lose yourself in the warmth others provide you with.

A confidante can strip you off most of your masks, but no one exposes the really raw side of them because even they themselves, are afraid of facing that reality. The ones you love are the ones you turn to, but when you are melting in their embrace, who's to know that deep down, they're burying their intentions of realizing their 'true' self in an effort to stay strong and live, for you?

Living, is to live for others. So do you lose yourself in the end? Or were we born empty, then filled with the expectations and resolutions others bred in us? If it were, then there never was an identity to begin with...

food for thought huh?

go figure.

For me, there's no real 'me', only the 'me' that needs physical and emotional sustainance to keep on breathing. The 'me' that scrutinizes everything that surrounds 'me;. The 'me' that lives for you, and the others that live in turn, for 'me'.

In short baby, I am you and you, are me. :)

deviantARTist

2007-04-22T07:47:00.000-07:00

was talking to my godmom online the other day and she gave me my godbro theo's devianART web to check out...

Heard of it in the past but never got to creating account so I decided to start one. Tidied up a couple of my photography collections (albeit amateur but I reckon they're not bad) and put them up as well as a few paintings and drawings I did in the past. Do check them out at crypticlover.deviantart.com to increase my viewership and do comment on them if you can so that I can improve as an artist.

its the holidays now although I still have 2 assignments to hand in tommorow, and I bought a Nintendo DS! woohoo! so i'm not afraid that I'll be bored this holz.

Guess that's all for now, remember to check out my site!

peace!

procrastination horrors

2007-04-18T19:27:00.000-07:00

Decided to stay home today, instead of heading to school for a talk by a supposedly 'cute' theatre director from The Phantom of the Opera.....

And why miss this once in a lifetime chance?

Lets just say, little boys and girls out there, learn from me: don't procrastinate!

Yes, I have 2 papers due tommorow, and I haven't started on one very tedious 2000 word thesis on Arts&Aesthetics. . . I've done the research but my word.doc is blank! And see, a thorough research paper comes equipped with footnotes, excellent examples, photographs and eloquent argumentives... so now now, how long could that take? perhaps a couple of hours you say? perhaps... but what about that report writing that's left half done? Or the freehand press release that's untouched? Or say that OTHER research paper on drawing materials?

UH huh! So now you know why... so instead of blogging this incessant complaining and further procrastination, I think its time I get my ass back to work. To all of you enjoying the air con comfort of class now, good for you! =)

p/s: its not all bad, my mother offered to fork out cash to buy a Nintendo DS Lite that I can share with my brother... now I can play games like crazy during the holiday( cause I intend to learn how to play warcraft too! wooohoo. )

p/ss: check out the class blog link to see SUPER unglam fotos of me, courtesy of class photog, Sofian.

The Slaying of Redemption

2007-04-13T04:59:00.000-07:00

The awaited birth arrives in painful silence,
A date chiseled upon its tomb.
A single white rose burns to embers,
A scar renewed and branded twice over.

The smile of the liar reigns,
A thirst for his blood remains.
Where mercy and empathy exist as enemies,
A winter will seize his black heart.

The Lord who turns his deaf ear,
Witnesses the slaying of Redemption,
As the sinner crowns the throne,
And the sins left broken in the wind.

photography rampage

2007-04-05T23:07:00.000-07:00

decided to do a photoblog of some pics i took of the upcoming ferris wheel against the sunset yesterday. All were taken from the esplanade. enjoy.

ferris wheel I

ferris wheel II

ferris wheel III

city scape: sunset

city scape: sunset II

city scape: night

the insanities of my subconcious mind

2007-04-03T03:01:00.000-07:00

I don't if its the immense workload,

or the repeated chanting outside my window from a wake that's taking too long to be over. . .

But I'm beginning to feel like my subconcious mind's taking over the reign for some reason.

Don't worry I'm not turning schizophrenic due to the work stress (which is surprising considering the papers I have to submit in 2 weeks time), its just well, my subconsciousness is becoming quite a demon on in my fitful attempts to sleep.

Of course its easy to doze off now of days, turning in after a tiring day of work, but I've been having weird dreams and somehow, I don't know why, I'll wake up in tears or with a bad foreboding with no recollection of what I've been dreaming the night before.

The horror! Perhaps I've been sleepwalking? Oh dear.... and another thing. Why do I still dream of him? Its really quite horrid. I'll dream of killing him, or him trying to spoil my current relationship, or an evil manifestation without a face but I'll have a sense that its him.

You know what? I'll just boil it down to stress. I have my share of sweet dreams too at least. Its a secret =)

Well and apart from nothing but work, there's really nothing much in my life right now. The new relationship's working quite alright, but there's a little less dependancy and alot more maturity. I guess I've grown a little, and it helps that the partner is now older than me and more tolerant of my moodswings and bad temperment. Perhaps the fact that he's not always available physically and me vice versa aids a little, the previous one's downfall was our excessive physical intimacy and dependency, so much so that I grew possesive and paranoid.

Now I know how to take things slow and savour every moment, and now I value verbal communication to physicality. And yes, allow myself to be lavishly lathered in affection without stressing on reprocrating. As he wisely put it, "It doesn't mean that whatever I do for you, you have to do something in return. As long as I love you, and you appreciate it, its all that matters."

Friendships wise, I can't help but feel out of place at times. I don't know if I have best friends, sometimes even those I can fall back on, I feel uneasy with. I guess I'd rather acquaintances to soul confidantes, at least that'll spear the pour-my-heart out moments. I feel awkard around old friends now because we've come too long a journey and I've been out of the journey for too long.

I don't get what they're saying because I'm no longer part of that world, and I find people I can relate to in other social contexts that are too different from theirs. I guess just not one that'll stick around for long, if i ever do commit to friendships, the best friend I can find is my soul mate, and not the flutterby friends that come and go because I don't treasure them. And it doesn't help to realise as you get out there into society, all those chi-chi snobs that wink at you can turn around and stab you. Its a dog-eat-dog world afterall.

The family's still the same old. Avoiding disputes by going our seperate ways, making sure our schedules don't clash, the occasional dinner with mum & bro, the occasional morning coffee with dad. Been thinking of moving out alot, but I reckon I'm still not financially stable and my bro, although he keeps to himself alot, needs a knitted family still, no matter how broken we are inside.

Well, that's all for the ramblings I have today, time to get back to work!

unwinding cable car

2007-03-18T08:00:00.000-07:00

been getting into artistic spasms lately... its what i term as my sudden need to draw. been doodling potraits and such... doesn't help that all that research i've been doing for methods & materials on drawing tools means glancing through drawing guide books for hours. such inspiration...

never really wondered if my drawing is top notch though. reckon its pretty average ... and its funny how these artistic spurts work. the urge may not relate to the quality of work.. rather i find that i draw best when I am in a contemplative and nonchalant mood.. same goes for my poetry.

oh well...

really isn't much to claim. nothing on my mind really, except for Anberlin's new album playing continously in my mind. especially 'the unwinding cable car'.

and so due to a lack of inspiration for writing especially because i have been drawing for the past 2 hours and feeling quite intellectually drained, i will resort to posting lyrics. ha.

"The Unwinding Cable Car"- Anberlin

Emotive unstable you're like an unwinding cable car
Listening for voices, but it's the choices that make us who we are
Go your own way, even seasons have changed just burn those new leaves over
So self-absorbed you've seemed to ignore the prayers that have already come about

This is the correlation of salvation and love
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart
With quiet words I'll lead you in

Backing away from the problem of pain you never had a home
You've been misguided, you're hiding in shadows for so very long
Don't you believe that you've been deceived that you're no better than...
The hair in your eyes, it never disguised what you're really thinking of

This is the correlation of salvation and love
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart
With quiet words I'll lead you in and out of the dark

You're so brilliant, don't soon forget
You're so brilliant, grace marked your heart
(With quiet words I'll lead you in and out of the dark)

Its a brillant song... sadly i can't find upload the song in imeem just yet due to technical problems but its going to be featured in my blog real soon. beautiful music and lyrics, strikes a chord everytime.

till then, love to all.

when needles and lovers collide on guilty beds

2007-03-12T02:49:00.000-07:00

oh christ.

you know, i think i really should head back to working @ that dreary jewelery pushcart, only its not a pushcart anymore but a shop @ bugis. at least there're glass displays, leaves the hassle of setting up... but i'll be pretty boring, i'll prolly be dusting the glass day in day out... hmmmm...

only reason why i'm not earning moolah is school... supposedly the workload's too much to handle.. but on second thoughts... i . am. idling. away! ok not exactly. i do my work bits, rest bits, do more work but i have time to slack still... howhowhow....

mebbe i'll juz wait till term break b4 i decide.

nth else really, i got an uber cool wireless mouse from mama for e lappy ... n... i grew fatter or so i assume because i have been pigging out recently... although the weight increase is only 2kg but STILL its weight. -_- forgive me, feel like being whiny and all girly today. haha.

lets see, agenda for the weeks ahead: work, library research, work, project, wait for more nana episodes to come out bcoz i've watched all those available, work, watch ayashi no ceres all over again, work, paint my nails, work, watch tv, work, read books, work..

oh my..

how dreary..

maybe i should start painting again. or sew those cute felt crafts i saw in kinokuniya.. like stuffed felt bears and hello kittys and little twin stars.. damn cute.. but .. SEW FOR WHO?! mebbe i can like sell them... hmmm.... hmm...

kk no more ranting... those who got their As and r entering Uni, all e best. those entering army, good luck. those idling like me, lets grow fat tgt! those rushing hwk like me, gambate! hurhur.

buhbyeeee... *prances around*

adrift

2007-03-04T22:37:00.000-08:00

the days have been spent watching Anime on youtube, thanks to the dear one for getting me hooked on Paradise Kiss and the other dear friend for getting me hooked on Nana. So hooked, that i'm hooked on the songs as well, with the current blog and friendster songs being "A little Pain" by Olivia for the Nana soundtrack.

'tis a bad time to be watching sentimental anime that strikes a chord and brings forth tears for my school workload is beginning to eat into my conscience, the 'procrastinating' alarm has been ringing yet i've been muting it and burying myself in these episodes instead.

its alright, i can manage, somehow. afterall, i've never submitted late work before. except for drawing in my foundation year.

speaking of which, seems like my second year in LaSalle is drawing close to an end in a few months. How amazing time is, I feel like i'm suspended in mid-air most of the time, adrift currents in this course of adolescence towards womanhood.

now, now, why am i getting all preachy about life again? haha. life is as such, and i will just make do with what's best for me at the moment. and till then, a meaningful quote from Nana:

"only love can heal a wounded heart, so we must learn to love again."

ponder people, ponder.

infinity on high

2007-02-28T07:33:00.000-08:00

A penny for your thoughts,
But a dollar for your insides,
and a fortune for your disaster.

I'm just a painter...
And I'm drawing a blank.

We only want to sing you to sleep,
in your bedroom speakers.
We need umbrellas on the inside,
get me just right.

They say quitters never win,
But we walk the plank on a sinking ship.
There's a world outside of my front door,
that gets off on being down.

I could learn to pity fools,
as i'm the worst of all.
I can't stop feeling sorry for myself,
we're broken down on memory lane.

alone, together, alone.

-- Don't You Know Who I think I am?, Fall Out Boy

How cruel is the golden rule?
When the lives we lived are only golden-plated
And I knew that the lights of the city were too heavy for me
Though I carried karats for everyone to see

And I saw God cry in the reflection of my enemies
And all the lovers with no time for me
And all of the mothers raise their babies
To stay away from me
Tongues on the sockets of electric dreams
Where the sewage of youth drown the spark of my teens

-- Golden, Fall Out Boy

Fall Out Boy's new album is simply savoury. The lyrics, unmistakably strike a chord in me.

Feel like attending their concert in Singapore on 3rd March.

Hmmmmmmm...........................

like the blue skies slowly moving on

2007-02-26T04:15:00.000-08:00

a new entry for a new blog skin! haha.

looks like its alot easier to read the blog with a white background.

seems like the assignments are starting to pile up...

oh god do I need a breather.

good thing i decided not to work for the time being...

ah just another random ranting session.. will update when there's smth more interesting to talk about.

takkaire~

repent

2007-02-21T06:03:00.000-08:00

its the season of Lent. For the non-catholics/christians, its the season in the biblical year where we learn to repent on the ways of life and what we're doing wrong and change for the good of God.

Repent. some know of my greatest sin, some don't. I'd say I'll give up worldy pleasures and all that entangling load about love and relationships for Lent. But we all know, my spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.

Been a rough day today after being reprimanded. I can only say I understand that this relationship isn't the wisest thing I've ever done. As usual I'm encircling the same issue, hopping unto the next bandwagon once I've been dumped. For close to 2 years, I've stranded myself in the same situation over and over. I'll tell myself he'll be my last and final, but who can say it won't be history repeating itself all over again? So yes mummy, I understand. As usual I am mature but I do the dumbest things and contradict my sensibilities. As usual its Sandra tumbling downhill over and over again and still trying to be headstrong and force her ass to move on, sacrificing self-worth and common sense in an effort to mask the pain. And as usual Sandra has disappointed friends and family in this process again.

its hard to see your own flesh and blood fall again and again, tempting the worst instead of learning to follow what's best. its hard to sit back and not know how to help this poor child, when nothing seems to work. its hard to see her talk so much sense yet what she does is completely the opposite. take heart, its because she knows what's best but she isn't willing to try hard enough and its a mentality that should be condemned.

the body is a sacred temple for God they say. i was deluded in thinking since its been marred over and over again, its worthless till date. but i was wrong. i never knew hurting myself could hurt others in the process, and thus for now maybe i am undeserving to be comforted in any way. i am sorry, i never knew i could inflict pain even when i myself am suffering, though the pain i go through is nothing compared to many others.

dearest, i will give this up for now, in hope that what is true will await me and the day where i'll rediscover my true heart will dawn eventually.

que sandra sandra, whatever will be, will be.

happy piggy year

2007-02-19T07:29:00.000-08:00

GONG HEI FAT CHOY!
(chinese new year greeting for gong xi fa cai in canton for those who don't understand)

and since i'm teochew... it should be 'kiong hee huat cai'.. hurhur.

anyway, just came back from new year visiting in Malacca. Seems like the relatives get lesser each year... either they're divorced or married off. (which also means ALOT less ang pows.. wads with only RM85 man?!!?!?!)oh well, life goes on.

Just wanted to wish everyone (chinese friends of course) the best of a new year, may the prosperity boar bring us all luck in all aspects, especially in health and studies, followed possibily by love and fortune.

Happy Piggy Year! Oink oink!

p/s: i'm going to follow vivien and scrap those damn resolutions to just these few:
- better financial management
- take relationships slowly and steadily
- ace arts management!

-end-

the big debate

2007-02-16T07:14:00.000-08:00

the topic about blogs came up during lunch break the other day, i was quite suspicious that the ex was still reading mine even though i changed my account password and shifted my blog address. Then came the comment by both khai and sofian dat technoratie and google blog search is realli all it takes to track me down... i was doubtful till i decided to try. Google Blog Search, keyword 'liionel' (dats how i rmbr him spelling his name most of the time)... and... SURPRISE! first hit instantly!

How long will i slide
14 Dec 2006 by liionel so alot has happened over the past few days. common tests, parents raging at me, and the ending of my relationship with sandra. we've taken time off this week. to really think and reflect. can we live without each other? can we go back ...liionel - http://liionel.livejournal.com/

how..........amazing............................

and i managed to find loads of other friend's blogs with just their first name/nickname. the amazing world of technology...there really isn't any secrets left on the world wide web is there? a true blue global village indeed.

its quite funny to think he might have thought it over. think it over my ass. he changed his mind after patching in like what, an hour or less? oh well, its over and memories aren't worth keeping sometimes. HELLO NEW LIFE!!!!

so its the new year! ok its technically the new year already ... but hey, customs... i get free red packets so who cares!

new year = new luck! (dats why i bought red and yellow undies, GOOD LUCK! hurhur)

went to vivo with zhennie today.. and we were on the topic of relationships..... i was thinking, why do some ppl tell me if i can get over someone its not true love? i think its utter RUBBISH. every relationship is different, and the truth is, you can NEVER truly get over someone. i might have only been in 2 serious r/ships in my life (at least i put it at two) but i can safely say that of both none are identical. so i think rubbish abt saying you'll never love again after you get your heart smashed to smithereens is crap.

you can love again, but its just never the same.

at times you'll feel jaded, as to the sweet nothings others may whisper in your ears. the same promises to do whatever it takes to be there for me and the great declaration of love for you and you alone.

yet at times you want nothing but to forget the wrongdoings in the past, forgo the possibilities of another heartbreak and just relish the comfort every human seeks from companionship.

at times you wonder what really is 'love'. Its a great generic term, so very universal and mystifing and truly sometimes, overrated. And all you want is really just to ditch the whole intention of dying for love and the ill-bred romantic in you, and try to build a relationship based on trust instead, and the notion that every human deserves another try.

and that's just me now. i have my doubts and my skeptical moments, many in fact. i've declared my need only for companionship and just leave the relationship as such. but then again, maybe you really do need love to keep it running, only in what sense of the word. in the past, 'love' to me was a wholehearted commitment that only brought about more hurt when I was cheated on. But commitment is still in the cards now, but no longer my downfall. I know how to keep a part of my heart for myself now, not in a selfish sense, but just to practice loving with caution. Don't argue that to not love again is a simpler and safer option because you'll not risk your heart breaking again. If you choose to believe that, then I'm sorry, I guess you'll enjoy being single the rest of your life.

All i can say is, its a choice, and be mature about it. Relationships are not THE essentials in life like oxygen and water, and sometimes they don't have to be taken so seriously. And never, ever judge because everyone's emotional depth is different, every person's notion of love, of right and wrong, entirely different.

To say the truth I really am sort of in a relationship right now(yes,yes so much for resolutions). I know he loves me, but all i can say is, i do love him, but not in a way like i used to love. Its just a sort of admiration for his courage to actively pursue someone like me who's made it clear a hundred and one times that I'll not be as wholeheartedly involved in this relationship because I find it hard to trust a man again. But hey, only time can tell of his trustworthiness, for now just let me learn how to get back on my feet. And trust me, with his help, it makes things a lot easier and sweeter, so don't point your finger and me and yell 'liar'. When I said I was hurt too deep, I meant it, and this is part a healing process with someone by my side.

This is me, don't think of it as ridiculous because you should know me by now. I know the words that will pass through some lips, but hey, I'm insatiable and I have the guts to admit it so suck it up. I am the brazen one, and I relish and bask in this dangerous dating game. I'll carry my heart on my shoulder if you want me to, and yes i may get burnt, but i just love playing with fire. I've already been hurt once, what difference does another make? So you see, take note of my point and just go ahead, have your fun, you're only young once.

pump me with adrenaline
and throw me from the highest depths,
watch me fall to pieces,
then watch the pieces fall back,
form jagged cuts and scars,
and emerge a brand new me.

bring it on baby! <3

infinity pools

2007-02-10T20:26:00.000-08:00

Have you ever heard of infinity pools?Those that hollywood stars and rich braggards own... a seemingly unending pool that's a trick of perspective because they go over the edge and blend into the horizon.

Well, if i you ask me to describe my life as a landscape, it'll be this. Never ending.... everything I've been in are just endless cycles that stretch so far beyond I am disillusioned and i can never find the end point. And sometimes, its just all in the question of perspectives.

I was on the phone with my spechur friend the other day, talking about my motives in life in general. Its a fairly common topic, especially with the coming Chinese New Year celebrations its easily the most commonly posted question from my relatives.

So what are my goals in life? I could read it out, its all so familiar:

~a career after graduation, possibly a PR manager of an established gallery or museum
~earn at least 2.5k a month and work my way up to 6k or more.
~have ennough to save up for my parents and a future by age 25.
~Marriage by the age of 25 if possible, my first child by the age of 27, a second by 30.
~Retire from the arts scene at 50, become an arts teacher.

There! My ideal life... keyword's ideal, I won't press myself to totally marry any tom, dick or harry by the time I'm 25... if he ain't Mr Right, it ain't gonna work out. Before you chuckle and deem me as gullible or naive, i'm not. I've worked it out financially and its not really very practical to settle down in 6 years time when i'm only going to graduate with my Ba(hons) degree in 2010.. that only gives me 3 years to earn enough to settle down. if i earn 2.5k in the first year, i'll have 30k in a year, minus CPF and whatnots.... yea yea go on, chuckle... it ain't practical... but hey when there's a will, there's a way.

And so back to infinity pools.. the financial situation at home seems like one too. Now pops is saying we're going to sell this house since we've repaid the loan in full, pocket the cash, hopefully we can sell it for 450k, then rent a terrace to live in. Sell the dental lab which is our only source of income, and work from home to earn enough for our monthly expenses. Sounds nice? Think again.
1) Dad's health is failing him, so is his eyesight, how much work can he handle to "earn enough" for our monthly expenses?
2) monthly expenses boil up to at least 20k. Credit card bills, bank loans for both cars, bank loan for the landed property we sold, bills for the house we have in Malacca, school fees, phone bills, electricity bills, worker's salaries, lab rental, maid's salary etc etc (of course if we sell the lab, the lab expenses will be gone)
3) Mom's not working, if it doesn't succeed, we don't have anything else to fall back on
4) I'm schooling how much can i earn a month to help? The most i can do is give myself my own allowance, but then again, compare $200 a month to a whole magnitude of bills and loans to pay a month, $200 is peanuts to be given to me. (This is according to my mother, not me)

We're going around in circles.... what's done can't be undone. I only thank God my dad's discharged and already up and running... although my mother sort of hinted even if anything happened to my dad he's insured a.k.a if he died it ain't no big deal. . . what the fuck? i know.

Oh life... let me just worry about my assignments and leave everything to God. If you see me begging in the streets one day, you'll know why.

another year, another shade of grey

2007-02-05T21:39:00.000-08:00

** EDITED POST**

i am now officially 19.

Nothing has changed, perhaps i'm more matured, perhaps i still want to preserve a little of the innocence in being naive.

In any case, thanks to the old gang from FS2P ( Vera, Eepei, Eliza, Winston, Wan, Hafiz & Justin)for the night out on saturday, it was a blast.

*Although i puked like a retard after i got home and didn't stop puking from 2am till 10pm on sunday, it was worth it. (btw the puking wasn't due to a hangover but rather a gastric flu virus that i caught)

Thanks to jac jac and zhennie for the Forever21 clutch too. Sorry i couldn't hang out with u girls for a longer period of time.

Thanks to kat for the lovely sushi buffet and TLC <3

Thanks to Kynan, Andrew, Alwyn, Neville, Kat, Karen, Wan Ying, Daphne, Syaf & all the rest who wished me on my bday, sorry if i forgot to include your name.

Thanks to Daphne&Wei Ye for the cute lil' bear bear in a bikini from 'build a bear'. I love it!

From sunday onwards it was hell in bed running a 38degree fever and barfing my intestines out.. but hey at least i got to enjoy one saturday... before returning to the sickly cradle after recovering from the bladder infection. I tink my doctor must be realli happy with me as his patient, i blew $200 in one week on medication.

Thus here I am, i little wuzzy but alot better.. bloggin away on my sickly birthday....

oh yea, and my dad's in the hospital he might have a colon rupture, do pray for his speedy recovery people, thanks. (so much for celebrating Chinese New Year)

till den, takkaire folks~

the party's back on!!!

2007-02-02T00:10:00.000-08:00

i have officially recovered! its a miracle! so the party's still on!hehehehehe.

i wanna go to marche
i wanna go clubbing
OR
we can go to a midnight movie

so far only 5 people have confirmed... so lemme know asap!

btw: zhennie! i can still go shopping @ vivo! (=

i love my friends. do u love me too? *hurhurhurhur*

gawddammits

2007-01-29T22:22:00.000-08:00

i am suffering.

from a very sensitive ailment.

a bladder infection actually.

its painful and it bleeds when i pee.

and i have to stay away from alcohol and caffine as it irritates the infection.

the 2 most potent of my addictions next to cigarettes: gone.

to make things worse: i am allergic to the antibiotics.

thus i am now mutant with red, swollen lumpy rashes across my hands and feet.

thus i cannot go out on saturday in this state,

let alone party.

so: yay, its cancelled. u can all save ur $$$ for smth else.

dammit.

Volatile

2007-01-29T06:54:00.000-08:00

Crisp white linen,
The air spiked with nicotine.
Those eyes that droop on the edges,
As if misery, was an imprint.

Taste the salt,
From the lips that form
Tight black lines unto burning skin.
Another presence crackles in the lucid air.

The weight is bolted,
Doubled over,
Far and in between,
A burden coiled in chains.

A fistful of hair,
Entwined and starkly inhaled,
Another promise on a dark night,
Slicing the air from my lungs.

Headfirst, plummet now, plummet
To the endless void,
Of my volatile, volatile heart,
Till blood stains the linen,
In cold blue.

19th birthday celebration

2007-01-26T21:11:00.000-08:00

helllooooo world!

although this blog is new and not many are aware of it, I trust you kind friends who read my posts to spread the word around: MY BIRTHDAY IS COMING!

yes yes it falls on a tuesday, on the 6th of Febuary... so i have decided to celebrate it in advance on the 3rd of Febuary (Saturday).

Time wise it'll probably be after 7, venue will be centralised. I plan to have dinner/drinks with a couple of close LaSalle buddies den head to any chosen club in Singapore. so... Who's up to paint the town red with me?!?!?!

pleaseeee... dun make this birthday a lonely occasion for me... SPICE it up!! *p/s handsome, straight guy friends are welcome to attend* HAHA.

ok that's about it... SMS me people, before i start SMS-ing you all instead! i am VERY desperate for company. :p

crossroads

2007-01-22T04:26:00.000-08:00

Listen- Beyonce

"Listen,To the song here in my heart
A melody I've start
But can't complete

Listen, to the sound from deep within
It's only beginning
To find release
Oh,the time has comefor my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own
all cause you won'tListen....

Listen,I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home, in my own home
And I tried and tried
To say whats on my mind
You should have known
Oh,Now I'm done believing you

You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what, you made of me
I followed the voiceyou gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own..
You should have listened

There is someone here inside
Someone I'd thought had died
So long ago
Ohh I'm free now and my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside or worse
Into your own
All cause you won't
Listen...

I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't....If you won't....Listen

To the song here in my heart
A melody I've start
But I will complete

Oh,Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what, you made of me
I followed the voice, you think you gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own. My own. "

hmm... i went shopping with mr kynan lee today, my old sec sch class mate. boy its been like 2 plus years since i saw him? lets see.. we graduated in 2004 so hmmmmmmmmm.......................

since i've been missing out on alot of old buddies... so maybe its time to play catch up this thursday @ bei en's party. :))

and till den...

i'm slacking around TOO much... job interviews please....

useless sunsets

2007-01-20T09:27:00.000-08:00

Funeral for a friend -Drive

"And I wish it was sweeter
The taste of your mouth
Because right now, it hurts too much to be
Closer than this

And with one hard look
I can tell
That you've had enough of these useless sunsets

This could be a movie
And this could be our final act
We don't need these happy endings

So tell your father that
That you're mine
And I'll swear we'll run away
And I'll make a plan and save
Everyone from themselves
And put them in the ground

Sitting in the car
With the radio
Turned to static
Feeling quite tragic
And with one strategic blow
And you find yourself
Back in the hold
That you used to sit so comfortably in"

There really isn't much to brag or complain. My days are filled with activities, attempts to fill the voids.

Shopping trips till my thighs scream for sleep and thus bleeding my bank account to justify the term 'theraupatic spending'; lunches with pals who've been there to hold secrets and garner subtle laughs from me; belting sad love songs in Kbox which is an ironically soothing hobby; coming home as late as I can to avoid the beastly lonesome shadows that hang about the corners.

Sometimes I revel in montony, at times I yearn for a little spice... its all a very precarious balance that's tipping over the edge. To hell with love and loneliness, nothing that money,booze and male company that I can't buy over with. I daresay I am mature enough to move on, but not without hints of advice here and there. Though not all are pleasing to the ear, and some not at all modest in any sense, and one particular one that I find too assumptious (if there really is such a word), all in all if its in the name of concern I send my greatest appreciation.

What strikes me the most, is how a particular friend can be so deluded and full of herself. I do not feel acquainted to her as a best friend, neither does her behaviour appeal to me as that of concern. I find myself a lot more experienced when it comes to relationships, I don't see how her one and only relationship experience can hold a candle against mine. Having said that, neither do I find myself in a very pitiful state, I am aware that I am young and I actually do regard myself as inexperienced still, despite what i've gone through, certain sacrifices that I have chosen to leave untold.

All i can say that one should not dive into presumption when you do not know the full truth that has yet to be told, and never, never, assume you've been through the worst of the worst and that you are fit to dish out criticism and claim others as immature or ill experienced especially if you are the same age as me. No two peope can ever be in the same boat, similar but never entirely the same because relationships are intimate and the full knowledge in the situation can only lie between the two parties that were involved in the whole process.

To live young and fufil my wishes before I reach a point where I will have to live for greater responsibilities is perfectly sane and normal in today's society. If one chooses to hold a conservative and traditional mindset I have no case to go against that, but to project your opinions because of your beliefs is one thing, to openly declare someone immoral based on your preception of ideals is just a selfish act.

Till then, I revel in the comfort of what I am doing now, even if it means I do it without passion but only for comfort, I do it nevertheless because its part of my healing process, and everyone's is different. You can advice, you can air your opinions, you can question, but never, ever, JUDGE.

virgin entry

2007-01-17T19:41:00.000-08:00

welcome to the new haven for my cryptic entries. the decision to shift the address is for self-interest(which i will further elaborate on in another entry if need be), i apologize for any inconvenience caused.

the old blog will be promptly deleted at some point.

as for this new blog, "audiences" will only be a selected few.

disclaimer: whatever i choose to post in my own blog is for personal self-interest and the reading pleasure of others. It will definitely be lacking in consideration to all others who are against my postings or possess negative feelings towards them. Therefore if you have nothing better to say, shut the fuck up.